Being the self-conscious people that we are, some of us may wonder if we have the characteristics of narcissism.  Here’s a simple test:

Do you ever wonder if you are narcissistic?  Circle one:

a.)   Never.

b.)   Seldom.

c.)   Occasionally.

d.)   Often.

e.)   Always.

If you answer A or E, you are probably narcissistic.

If you answered B or D, you may have narcissistic characteristics.

If you answered C, you’re off the hook.  But if you feel smug about that, then put yourself back in the camp with the rest of us.

A quick group test for narcissism is to play a game of Monopoly.  There are several narcissistic characteristics that emerge in this simple game.  For example, we can observe who wins, how winning is negotiated, how a person loses (most people will quit while they’re ahead), what is bought, and how the competition unfolds.  But, if you like Monopoly, you are probably already (at least a little) narcissistic.  It’s all in the name.  It might as well be called I Want It All.

For a more in-depth analysis, I will outline and illustrate the defining characteristics of narcissism as an aberration—that is, a ‘bend’, a distortion—in interpersonal development.  It is a deviation from normal social development that distorts perceptions of ourselves and others, making it difficult to really love.

Of course, it is much easier to identify these qualities in other people.  None of us see ourselves accurately in the first place.  We see “through a mirror dimly”.  But, on top of that, one of the core characteristics of narcissism is to attribute virtue to the self and blame others for relational problems.  Narcissists shield themselves from feeling responsible for the damage they cause, casting their guilt and shame and problems on others and staying above the fray when conflicts or difficulties arise.  So if you are a narcissist, everybody else has a problem.

Narcissists do not usually read self-improvement books.  They do not voluntarily seek treatment or correction.  They usually project their pain and problems onto others who will carry these burdens for them.  These “designated others” are the ones who experience the psychological, emotional, and relational distress that the narcissist defends against.  Depressed, dependent, or neglected children, ex-wives, mothers, coworkers, and underlings are usually the ones that seek help for themselves and their beloved narcissists.

I gained awareness of narcissism as a silent, pervasive, relational killer (as well as a treatable disorder) through the back door, working with women in transitional trauma after multiple moves following their husband’s career changes or corporate climbing.  I saw the Heinz-57 variety of anxiety, depression, and affective disorders in the context of marital and family therapy.  The women asked the question, “What is wrong with me?” or “What can I do to change?”  Yet, underlying this initial cry for help, the deeper questions emerged: “Why don’t I experience love from my husband/boss/father/partner/mother/friend/daughter/son?” and “Why am I starving for compassion and interest?”  and “Why am I dying in this relationship and dying inside?”

The desperation observed in these clients didn’t seem rooted in their personality or lack of coping skills.  In fact, many of these patients were unusually adaptive: intelligent, caring, capable, and warm.  Their symptoms seemed reactive, clustered around intense, long standing relationships with someone with diagnosably narcissistic traits.

Narcissists often want their wives and children to be “fixed”, discreetly, by the doctor.  Other narcissists leave the scene of the crime, with a string of casualties in their wake who will do anything to seek healing.

From these experiences, and subsequent psychological detective work, came the first rule of thumb for determining whether or not someone is a narcissist:  Other people will be able to see your narcissism better than you can.  Other people experience you in not caring, non responsive and painful ways that you don’t experience.  Other people even carry the symptoms that the narcissist defends against: the fear, the rejection, the guarded or angry reactions, the withering signs.

Here is the principle: other people know our narcissism before we know about it.  This is an affront in itself because narcissism likes to keep us thinking we’re top of things, in the know.

However, while narcissism defends the narcissist from painful truths, faults, and shortcomings, it doesn’t blind other people to those problems. The narcissist doesn’t suffer. They cause suffering.

Therefore, a good place to start looking for our own narcissistic inclinations is to look at the kind of interpersonal relationships we have.  Who is close enough to us to challenge our way of thinking or relating?  Who can teach us, knock us down or build us up?  Who do we hurt? Who do we need? How do we react to other people’s feelings. Who do we allow ourselves to be vulnerable to?  From whom do we seek correction?

If you want to know, genuinely, if you’re narcissistic—that is, if your way of being in the world is selfish and self-centered—there is one thing to do: ask the people around you.  If you’re really brave, ask the people closest to you, the ones you’d be afraid to ask.  As it’s Good Friday, I can’t help but think of Jesus, who is Lord of lords and God of gods, bearing the brunt of our projected guilt and shame, being berated, betrayed, criticized, criminalized, and crucified.  This is an image narcissists reject rather than receive.  So how do you know you’re a Christian narcissist: are you fascinated with the person of Jesus Christ?  Are you drawn to the Jesus of the gospels, to the Lamb of God that was betrayed, slain and took upon himself the iniquities of us all? I know I struggle with this.  And yet this is an example we were given ….the path of surrendering self to freedom ….